Path to Spirituality

     I was raised Catholic. So needless to say, my familiarity is with Christianity. While other religions can be interesting I found myself enjoying the questions more than the answers. Don't get me wrong, I have a belief & I have a soul. I just never cared to find a religion that could tell me everything. I prefer to ask the questions and find the answers myself.

     I had a very strong faith growing up. I wore a cross around my neck in public high school (before it became a weird fashion statement). My priest went on a Sabbatical and came back with a bunch of these crosses blessed by the pope. My mother then secretly took it and fitted it with a nice chain and made it wearable. So to be fair it is as much personal as it is holy. I love my mom and I don't hide it to anyone. I remember being questioned both of faith and simply of wearing something so visibly. Then I'd go to the youth group at church and people would look to me... for having the strength to wear my belief so publicly. Most of them went to a private Catholic school, so doing the same (wearing their belief on their chest) didn't hold the same for them.

     During my years in high school, I had a falling out with one of my sisters. I identified myself so much through her, that without... I was lost. As any Christian would, I reached out to God for help. I found out really quick that it is easy to ask questions, but difficult to hear any answers. That's probably a universal truth. When we ask questions, we KNOW how we would like it answered. If the answer isn't liked or even expected... sometimes we ignore it, fight it, or simply run away. It took me a lot of focus to listen. I had to open my eyes to everything, to anything. Surely God wouldn't speak directly; (besides) if I saw a burning bush I'd either extinguish it or run...  This may have been the beginnings of Meditation: Focusing on what I needed answered & Listening to the World. When you don't know who will answer (or how), everyone & everything is important. Ignoring on bias is still ignoring a potential answer.

     I ended up getting my answer in church, but it took a lot of work. I originally learned how to Listen while at church. I believe it has a lot to do with the atmosphere that is ever present, in and out of mass. It is really easy to pray/meditate in a church/temple. There are three readings from the bible at every mass on Sundays. I noticed that in the pews were books that had all of the readings along with some thoughts about them prefaced. I made a habit of reading them, then reading along with the speaker all while Listening for my answer. (I'm glad I can multitask conversations pretty well.) After the gospel reading, the priest would break it down in simpler terms. After communion, while waiting for everyone to get through the line (it was a decent sized congregation), people would either sit silently or kneel and pray. I became one of the guys kneeling. In truth I was in deep throught and in deep prayer. I couldn't tell you what I thought on each week, but I can say that that I use the word 'deep' to it's fullest. I lost myself in that prayer. In it, I ended up somewhere between a focused prayer and a form of meditation... this is assuming that the two aren't related or possibly even the same. I was still focused on my questions (or given answers) for the church day, but I was also free. My mind was free from all of that analytical thought that is ever persistent in my mind. What did finally break me from my cycle of depression, or more specifically from being lost? One day the head priest said something in his sermon that I'll never forget. He said, "Don't ask God to lighten your load, instead ask that he strengthen your back." The stronger you are, the more you can carry. Again, a universal truth. There will always be stress and problems, it is your ability to carry yourself that defines if you can move forward.

     I'm not positive what got me to question myself & my beliefs. I had already asked weird question with an open mind such as, "What if the dinosaurs left in a space ship?" Yes it sounds silly, but the ability to question logic allows for deeper thought. Besides, maybe they did... I prefer the perspective of being 99% sure, but still leaving that 1%. I won't know for sure until I die. Should nothing exist, then by not existing and therefore not being able to know... I would still have my answer. But losing one's self seems to me a good way to start looking around. It might have been the catalyst to take my fun questions into real consideration about my beliefs and who I am.

     How do spacefaring dinosaurs affect my thoughts? Well, It's not in a direct sense; the answer to that question is just fun. It allowed me to take the first real steps in Spiritual Self Discovery. Does God exist? I finally started to question my own reality. To do so does not weaken you, unless you allow it to. Instead, being critical lets me understand what & why I believe. If I cannot be defeated by my own critique, then how can someone throw their beliefs on me? (It cannot be a real critique unless you ask the hard questions.) My beliefs then become solid, open to question, but solid to statement.

     Ultimately, what caused this change isn't what is important. The importance is that I can question and be questioned of my thoughts while standing firm... and yet I can take those questions in as to see if they are worth their salt. What I believe is what I believe. I have no reason to force others to change, but I have every reason to evolve until I have no other answers. There are always a lot of questions, so this has quickly become a very fun & interesting journey.